My Practically Perfect Life

The thing about circles is they never end. Much like the list of metaphors about circles that one could come up with. Don’t worry, I’m not going to list a bunch of cheesy things that circles could represent. I will however let you in on what I am thinking and why I am talking about the.

We all know about the circle of life. Thanks to The Lion King I know many people, young and old can not only relate but also sing along to their thoughts of the circle of life. Just because it was in a Disney film does not mean it’s meaning doesn’t ring true. Let me refresh your memory.

“It’s the circle of life – And it moves us all – Through despair and hope – Through faith and love – ‘Til we find our place – On the path unwinding – In the circle – The circle of life”

Earlier in the week I found myself sitting next to my husband’s grandmother. I do want to insert here that just because I married into the family, I have never felt that she wasn’t just as much my grandmother as his. Love makes family, not blood. So, there I was in the middle of the night, literally, holding her hands as she was in and out of conscientiousness. You see, her health started to decline rapidly. And hospice was called in to make her comfortable. I stayed overnight with her and her husband to make sure he was ok and to help her in any way that I could. I found that the only way I felt I was helping her was to be with her when she needed me. She did not communicate much or often, but when she did, we soaked up everything she had to say. And when she cried for me to hold her, I did. I held her hand and every time she woke up or found herself confused or scared, I let her know I was there. She might not have known who I was, or anything that was going on, but she felt my touch and heard my words. And if even for a moment she felt comforted, then I did what I set out to do.

While I was sitting beside her at one point, I just kept thinking of how amazing her life has been. She grew up in a small town in Louisiana, met her husband when she was quite young, started dating him early and they married each other just shy of 72 years ago. She had 3 children, 4 grandchildren, 4 great grandchildren and one great grandchild on the way. She loved deeply and spoke her mind when she needed to. And more than anything her relationship with Christ was strong and loud. I began thinking about the circle of life. People are born, they live and then they die. Every day, well every second if we want to get technical.

I sometimes feel as though I am on a hamster wheel, running in circles as my life circles through itself. When I think of people like her that lived so long, I wonder how often she felt as though she was just running through her circle. I have heard and read so many people talk about living their dash. Meaning the dash between the day you were born and the day you die. That’s a great way to look at it. But I think the circle works better for me. Many dashes strung together to make my circle. I’m just a ball, rotating on a bigger ball, rotating around another ball, surrounded by other balls in a galaxy full of balls! But just because I am doing something like someone else does not make my circle of life the same as anyone else’s.

I want my circle to be big! And bright and happy more than sad. I want adventure and excitement and more than anything love to fill my circle. I want to be a wild and shining beam of a circle.

Sorry, I got off my train of thought for a pretzel. I am back now.

I have been in the room before, standing over someone as he passed away. No, I don’t need you to call the cops! It was family and it was his time, and with me surrounding him were a circle of his loved ones. That happening before in no way ever made me want to be in that position again. And thankfully I wasn’t. But as I sat next to Mama’s bed, holding her hand I could watch her eyes and slowly watch as life dimmed a little. I did not want to watch her go, because I love her so. And I wanted her to hold on until all her children could see her. Which she did. She held on in fact until my son walked in yesterday. The two of them had the sweetest relationship. They loved each other so much. And although I hated that my baby boy, who is not a baby at all, had to be there when she left this earth, I know deep down that it was the timing she wanted.

Some people go through so much of their life never knowing what the burden of death feels like. I was quite young when I first lost someone I loved. And I unfortunately have lost so many people I have loved. But sometimes I have to think about their circle and know that just because they aren’t walking and talking on this earth anymore, their circle continues. You see, I know Mama was prepared to die because she wasn’t actually dying. She was moving on to her eternal life. And that faith and sureness is so powerful.

Why did I write a sad post about death? And circles? Well, because it was on my mind. And the best way to respect someone who has passed is making sure their memory is still out there, going through people’s minds. I may forget what I walked into the kitchen for, or where I sat my sunglasses, but I will never forget her, or her love and kindness. And although it was not easy for me to sit with her when she was so close to death, I feel honored that I got that time with her. That can never be taken away.

So! Be a freakin’ circle! Roll around and make people happy! Because circles are like pizza…it’s freakin’ awesome!!