My Practically Perfect Life

I’ve asked myself this question so many times in the past month. How? How do I feel? How do I react? How do I present myself to others? How do I grieve the loss of my abuser?

Overall I feel I have handled the death of my ex husband very well. My obvious main concern was the emotions and well being of my children. My boys, who are solid rocks. They took the news, processed it and have carried on with their lives knowing they are safe. I told them they were free to feel whatever they may feel. And there were a lot of feelings between the two of them. Sadness, anger, disappointment are a few. You see the reason it wasn’t just sadness was because of the situation. They hadn’t seen or spoke to their biological father in over 5 years. They chose long ago that they did not want him in their lives. In fact a couple of years ago they also asked to be adopted by my husband. Who has been a father to them for over 8 years. He has shown them love, grace, understanding and what it means to have a father that loves them unconditionally. Also proving that you don’t have to have the same blood running through your veins to be family.

The biggest part of this though, where the anger and disappointment come in, is his death was by suicide. The man that thought he was invincible. The man that cared more about impressing other people than taking care of his family. This man that cheated on me our whole marriage, abused me physically, mentally and emotionally to the point that I believed I was worthless. He made my life a living hell for years. Even after the divorce. He was the dark cloud that followed me everywhere. He was a threat not only to my safety but to my emotional well being.

When I learned of his death, through social media because nobody in his family had the courtesy to tell me, I was shocked. It was difficult for me to process. I didn’t fully believe it. I thought that there was no way this arrogant man would stoop this low. That he was so full of himself and so prideful that he would never kill himself. I told myself there was zero chance of him committing suicide because of how much it broke him when his mother did the same thing. But it was true. He did kill himself. He was not strong enough to get through life. When he was handed something difficult he didn’t have the courage to get through it. So now, he’s gone.

It’s been over a month since I have learned of his death. I have gone through stages of grief. Not the normal type of grief that you feel when you lose someone you love. But the confusing and upsettingly complicated type of grief when you lose someone you once loved, but despised as well. I was shocked, sad, angry at his selfishness, and then relieved. I had an overwhelming sense of relief honestly. Maybe the type of relief a person has when their abuser or attacker is locked away in prison. But a type of relief that I never realized I needed to feel. I was holding on so tight to the fear that he would show up and hurt me that I didn’t even realize that fear was there. It has become part of me. Part of my everyday life. It was attached to me like another limb. And until that threat was gone, I never knew how powerful the fear was. But he is gone, the fear is gone, and now for the first time since the abuse started, many years ago, I can breath easy knowing he can never hurt me again. He cannot hurt my kids ever again. It is a powerful feeling and something I needed desperately.

This isn’t to say I’m glad he’s dead, or glad he killed himself. What he did was out of my hands. But as I always try to find the silver lining in whatever situation is handed to me, I am able to breath deeply and freely without the pain and anxiety taking over my life.

That I suppose is how you grieve someone that hurt you. To turn the pain around and into something good. To not only let go of that person but of the trauma that person caused. I will grieve by becoming a better person without the fear of being hurt. I will be there for my children, for my family or friends or even strangers that need me because of the things I have experienced. I will grieve by helping others grieve. Because when you have been alone, you know the pain. When you have been hurt, you understand. And when you have overcome all of the obstacles that were presented before you, you can get through anything. It is not my obligation, but my pleasure to help anyone else that needs me.