My Practically Perfect Life

Mental illness. Yeah, I said it. This is such a hard topic for people to talk about. Unless they are putting blame on someone or talking down about them. Hell I have a hard time with those words. But I have had it on my heart to write about it. Even if nobody else reads it. I’ve prayed for the words, so here is what I have to say.

I have a mental illness. Or a couple. Anxiety and depression. Ugh. I hate even typing those words. I have tried to hide that for so long, that it seems so un-natural for me to say it now. I will admit, I was ashamed. I did not want to admit I had a problem. Because I don’t like having problems that I cannot solve. You see, I’m a bit of a control freak. Ok, I’m a lot of a control freak! I don’t like for people to help me do anything. I’ve always told myself “if it’s worth doing right, it’s worth doing alone”. Even though, like, that’s so dumb. How much of my life has been wasted by not letting people help? How many times have I hurt myself or stressed myself out so bad because I’m too stubborn to admit I need help.

I need help. Those words. That admittance. I feel that every time I say that out loud I’m able to stand a little taller. How silly right? I’ve always blamed my anxiety, and now depression on my past. Now, it’s not like I’ve had the easiest of lives and I am making an excuse for being sad. I’m not. I’ve been through some shit. Physical, mental, emotional abuse and rape. That’s my list. Hell of a list there. I have either suppressed the memories so far back that I didn’t remember them for a decade, or I constantly re live them in my dreams or when I close my eyes. Definitely not fun memories. Like, shit memories. I have spent the latter part of my life trying to forget these things, these moments, that pain. I made it a habit to stuff the pain back so I didn’t feel it. Or so the people I love didn’t feel it. To me, that was me protecting those I love. Well I have learned that all I did was hurt those I loved. Because I was hiding those parts of my life, that pain, I wasn’t giving my all to the people I needed to. And I believe that that led to my depression.

I have found a therapist that has a new, well new to me, way of treating PTSD. Yes, I have PTSD. And I don’t want to! I had one treatment and holy crap, did I feel the pain. That’s what this does, it makes you relive the trauma so you can feel the pain and deal with it the way you were supposed to when these events happened. I constantly have flash backs. And I have major outbursts of crying uncontrollably. I sit on the floor in my bedroom, alone, holding my knees and rocking back and forth as I cry and scream. I feel the pain, and I hate it. It takes everything I have inside of me not to stuff those feelings back and carry on about my day. Because, after all, doing that is what has gotten me where I am. I pray, all day every day, for God to help me get through this pain. All of the things going on in my life, that causes pain, I am feeling. I am making myself feel every inch of it. It sucks.

I am telling myself now that I am strong. Not the strong I thought I was. I thought I was strong because I would bounce right back after something bad happened. No worries! Bones heal, bruises fade, if I don’t think about it then it doesn’t hurt. But that’s total crap. Being strong is admitting something hurts. And talking about it until you know you have dealt with the trauma completely. I hate that I am 36 and just now learning how to do this. But I am. I was slow at learning algebra too! All I know now though, is that there is no time limit on learning. People learn lessons every day. They learn things about themselves constantly. I hope I never stop learning!

I could write about this for a long time. About the events in my past, about things going on now in my life. But I will end with this. The right time to fix your problems or admit you have one is right now. You can’t change the past, Doc Brown isn’t around to make me a flux capacitor! But you can change right now, which will change your future. Never wait around and think feelings will just dissipate. Because that is not how the world works. God does have a plan for everything, but sometimes it is up to us to find out just why these things happen. I am hoping that I can help someone who is going through troubled times. Maybe that is what God intended. Because the best teachers are those that understand.

Stop being afraid of what could go wrong, and start being excited about what could go right! – Tony Robbins